some “wifeley secret’s”

Willem made a logical decision, with all this stalleing from Ellen. How else was he ever going to get an answer? "A littel pressure" was precisely his intent, but he's tried everything else, for month's, so no fault. 

I actually think Myrna's openness to Harold is the bigger story here, though (see bottom). Sure she says she's kidding, but these jokes demonstrate a fair bit of imagination--as to how she would power through the dread assignment of sleeping with him. What's going on?

Ellen :

04/07/2014 at 9:48 am

Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s and this Sheathe dress! But what is with the model’s leg’s? She look’s like she was rideing a horse all weekend, no? Myrna participated in some sort of IRON WOMAN contest on the beach over the weekend and there were alot of SCAREY women there–one woman even had a mustach! FOOEY! But Myrna did well, especialy in the run on the beach where she even beat the woman with the mustach. We found out later that the woman with the mustach worked for the local fire departement! DOUBEL FOOEY, b/c if you are in a fire, you do NOT want your mustach (or any other hair) to catch on FIRE!

Willem bought me a ticket to Belgum for June 8, which he say’s is OK b/c if I can NOT make it, it is fuly refundeable, but I am feeleing a littel pressure now to have to date him exclusivly b/c it is soooo expensive to go to Belgum on a refundeable ticket! Beside’s his mother and grandmother now want me over there to teach me some “wifeley secret’s”….I can ONLEY wonder what that is about. Also, the manageing partner keep’s asking about new case’s and he does NOT want me doieng any PRO BONO this summer, like I have done with peeople who need estate planning advise, which Madeline and I do at the local law school. TRIPEL FOOEY b/c some of those peeople have money and eligibel son’s that I might be able to date and MARRY, so I would NOT have to go to Belgum.

I found a $5 bill on the beach–it was bloweing around and there was NOT one person to ask if it was their’s, so Myrna and I went to Dunking Donut’s and had a coffee and donut with it! YAY!!!! We did NOT tell Dad, b/c he was NOT pleased with my tuchus and said that it is no wonder that only a Belgan person would want to marry me and that tuchus, b/c it get’s cold in the winter in Belgum, and he remember’s spending a few nights with a Belgan woman with a big tuchus. Mom was NOT happy to hear this, but she was NOT suprised, b/c Dad has alway’s had a big ego (and a lot of testerone, mom say’s, that make’s him need to have women at night). FOOEY, b/c I do NOT want Willem needeing me at night.

Harold also texted me. He said he was passeing Crumb’s and thought of me. I do NOT want men thinkeing of me just when they pass a bakery. Myrna think’s Harold might be fun, even if he is baldeing and has bad breathe. She say’s she can wash his mouth out with Listereane, and put a bag over his head if she has to. FOOEY b/c I could NEVER think of him in a sexueal way. I keep thinkeing of the manageing partner, and that is what Harold will look like in mabye 30 year’s! DOUBEL FOOEY!

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DIRECTLEY to my TUCHUS!

Ellen :

03/26/2014 at 10:46 am

Hug’s to you. I agree that the WINTER can cause all of us to bulk up and have extra POUND’S to lose. In my case it goes DIRECTLEY to my TUCHUS! FOOEY b/c it is hard to exercise your tuchus on the machines at the NYSC. The best you can do is go on the ELEPTICAL and the Treadmill machines, but it is there that all the Guy’s come up to you b/c you are standeing right in front of them and you are captive. DOUBEL FOOEY!

What I recomend is for you to get a FITBIT (they now come in alot of colors) and wear it alway’s. You get to count all steps, and in my case, my dad is abel to see how many step’s I am takeing so that he can tell if my tuchus is getting smaller. With my birthday comeing up, Mom will be bakeing me a peach cobbeler and also an apple pie. Dad say’s I can take both pie’s home with me to NYC b/c it is my birthday, but he expect’s me to work them off with 10,000 extra step’s next week. That is less then 2,000 extra per day, so I should be good.

If you walk everywhere, you will loose the pound’s. But it take’s time. Your tuchus will not look different for a while, mabye 2 week’s. Also just make sure NOT to wear open toe shoe’s or sandels, b/c there is alot of poopie all over the place in NYC, if that is where you are, and you do NOT want to have to scrape the poopie off your shoe’s, or worse yet, your toe’s. TRIPEL FOOEY!

Sam keeps calling and now Willem is texteing to do something today, but I am meeting Roberta outside my office at noon today, and we are walking over to Lord and Taylor to go eat lunch and go shoppeing! YAY!!!!!

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unless your a total ditz

Gigantic news item here: Ellen has PROVIDED HER AGE AS A NUMERIC FIGURE!!! I swear, maybe once a year I feel like I'm makeing progress in my ELLENWatching capacity.

32 today, turning 33 by the end of the month. And I will hold her to the consequent chronology forever.

Meanwhile, for anyone not clicking through, she's recommending a fringe bikini in light mint for anyone who is abel to squeeze into it. Interesting that she doesn't point out how much either she or Rosa looks like the (super)model, Rosie Huntington-Whitely. I would also like to know how she decided on this particular color, one of several options. 

Ellen :

03/17/2014 at 9:54 am

Yay, pricey Monday! I love pricey Monday and this jacket. But seriousely, how can I possibley wear these short’s to work? With my tuchus, no one would see anything else, especially b/c the jacket is so short and so are the short’s. I am goieng to be 33 year’s old and this is clearley a jacket for a 21 year old who is busy workeing out, not someone my age with a tuchus that is sitting at a desk doing legal research! FOOEY!

As for the OP, Congraulation’s on your inhereitance, but you must learn to be fruegal about it. I just talked to the manageing partner and he recomends just getting the inheritance transfered into your name. Once that is done, you cannot loose anything, but he says you need to properly manage it. There will ALWAYS be alot of peeople telling you what to do, but unless your a total ditz, you should be fine takeing your time and NOT doeing anything rash or stupid. Mabye you should ask your dad to manage it and you won’t need to pay a financieal planner, most of whom are not any smarter then you financieally!

I do NOT have this probelem, b/c my dad take’s care of all of my money and he invest’s whatever I get from whoever give’s it to me. Grandma Leyeh’s $50,000 never made it to my hands, and that is a good thing b/c I could have spent it stupidley. So Dad manages everything. He does want to get rid of that job and find someone to marry me. He called yesterday while I was at a basketball game at Barcleay’s Center to tell me that he has another Army buddy with a son about my age, who has a MBA degree from Vanderbilt and who is workeing down south. I said FOOEY b/c I do NOT want to work down south b/c I am ONLEY admitted in NY and do NOT want to take another bar exam at my age. He said his freind’s son come’s to NYC alot for work and will call me. I was NOT happy that dad gave my name and # out to some guy from down south w/o my permission, but I do need to get married soon so mabye this is not so bad. I have to find out more about him. I don’t even know his name so what am I do to if I get a call from this guy? I hope he is not just another looser, but he does have an MBA, so there is some hope. I want a guy from the USA who want’s more then sex from me, and so far, I have not found one. FOOEY! But I remain hopeful b/c I need to have a child soon. YAY!!!!!!

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Ellen :

03/17/2014 at 10:28 am

You must have a great tuchus to even consider VS, so congratulations to you! I am not sure to many peeople here are familaer with VS, but I suggest this one.

http://www.victoriassecret.com/swimwear/shop-by-size/fringe-bandeau-top-beach-sexy?ProductID=154744&CatalogueType=OLS

I dare not try this one myself b/c I am SMART enough to know it is not for my tuchus! YAY!!

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When I am 50, I will NOT be abel to use my tuchus

So age 50 is going to happen 15 years from now? Doing better, Ellen. I've been saying for a while that you have to be at least 35, and finally you (tacitly) agree. I actually think 35 is your minimum possibel age, but we'll see where this goes. 

One note of caution to MP: there is such a thing as too tight veering from oooogle-worthy to problematic. The seam on the back of Ellen's suit skirt could split when she sits down to lunch. 

Ellen :

03/04/2014 at 11:17 am

Yay! I love this sheathe dress, and the manageing partner love’s me in Navy blue b/c he says my hair acentuate’s the dark blue and with red lipstick, the judge “goe’s crazy”…..(who knew?)

As to the OP, do not worry about it that you made a boo boo by weareing slack’s into court, but ALWAYS remember that you do better with a MAN judge if you can show him you have NICE leg’s, but make sure NOT to show to much of your leg’s or opposeing council will get mad and claim that you are takeing advantage of the situeation by useing your body (and he would be right! — but we have to take what ever advantage’s we can with the court’s).

The manageing partner asked that I go with him tomorrow to meet with 2 new potential cleint’s at the Lamb’s club, and that I wear my new RED suit. I told him that the red suit is a littel tight on me b/c it is winter and I have NOT been abel to work out as much, so I cannot get in to it b/c it is way to tight in the seat.

The manageing partner said I should STILL wear it — he think’s they are old horndog’s who will apreciate a tight dress. FOOEY! Why should I have to parade my tuchus just to get new busness? I have a brain that I need to show, not a tuchus. When I am 50, I will NOT be abel to use my tuchus, just my brain and if the manageing partner does NOT start high lighting my BRAIN’s, where will I be in 15 year’s? DOUBEL FOOEY!

For now, I realy need to find a guy to get me a child, NOW. Grandma Trudy say’s to be flexibel, and that I think mean’s NOT to selective. FOOEY b/c I am a partner and should not have to have some schlub haveing sex with me just for a child. I do NOT want a sweaty schlub useing me as a blow up doll just so that I can get pregenant. TRIPEL FOOEY! I am goeing to follow up with Rosa about her ex-freind’s ex husband, but I do NOT think much of all that b/c he will want a cuter, younger me. FOOEY!

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after they have sampeled our bodie’s

Oh good--Myrna is being appropriately guilted about not being married at this stage (and in this svelte form). I've never known what her excuse is, but it seems nobody in the story thought to judge about it until I raised concerns this past weekend. We have no time to waste, folks! Don't leave me to spot the spinsters!

Ellen :

03/03/2014 at 11:21 am

Yay! Pricey Monday’s — I love pricey Monday’s but agree with the OP that it is to short and to expensive. I could NEVER wear this at work b/c I would need a VERY high waste, and my tuchus would come out the back end of this. FOOEY!! There are other way’s I can blow $450 then this, Kat, and beleive me, I WILL spend the money when dad unfreeze’s my credit card’s! DOUBEL FOOEY!

I did watch the Oscar’s last nite, and LOVED Charleize Thereon’s dress, tho am SHOCKED that she would be dateing Shawn Pen. He is hardley the kind of guy I would want to be haveing sex with, especialy if I looked like her. I also liked Sandra Buloock’s dress, but wished she won the Oscar b/c so many other’s from that movie did! I did NOT care for the schrunchie on the black woman’s head. She seemed nice, but that is NOT the place for a schrunchie! Even the manageing partner came in to yell at ME about schrunchies, telleing me that now even movie star’s are wearing them. I told him that I can NOT influence MOVIE star’s–I follow them. I can’t wait to see what Marie Claire will say about the RED CARPET!

There is another p’ost up top about some guy who is embarasing someone’s AUNT. I say FOOEY, why be married to a doosh? Dump the jack ass and find another person especialy if she is young and can find another guy to suport her. She does NOT have to live with an ass.

Dad came in and bought me a Ipad MINI with retena display and 64 gigabite’s of memory. I wanted a bigger one, but he said I am NOT even useing 10 gigabite’s on my Iphone! I do NOT know how he evenknow’s that. Mabye he get’s a feed from APPLE like he get’s from Fitbit. Dad was happy with my tuchus for a change. I think he know’s that I am workeing out. He also did say I should look more like Myrna. How can I do that? I told him she was an athelete and I am not. He said to Myrna she should be married also, and Myrna agreed, but told him that guys in NYC just want to take our clotheing off, have sex, then walk out after they have sampeled our bodie’s. I think Dad know’s that b/c he did EXACTELY that when he was in the Army. He told Myrna I may have alot of half brother’s and sister’s in Europe! That is funny b/c they probabely all have bad teeth, but I do not b/c I go to Dr. Vine! YAY!!!!!

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bigger or frumpyier

Alan pitch #2. Still no response. 

Ellen :

02/27/2014 at 10:16 am

I agree with Tesya. I do NOT need anything that makes my tuchus look bigger or frumpyier. FOOEY. And Tazdevil has the same problem with her boobies and men looking down her dress as I do. FOOEY on men that stare at our boobie’s. Sam is from the UK, and he says that he like’s my tuchus, but the onley person I know from the UK with a nice tuchus is Pippa Middleton. Most women do not have her tuchus, includeing me. I would be married by now, Dad says, if I had her tuchus! Tripel FOOEY b/c men still like me, but they do NOT want to marry me. I wonder how much difference a tuchus would make here.

I have to prepare for another EBT. That mean’s sitting on my tuchus for HOURS, so that is why I told dad that mine does NOT look like Pippa’s tuchus. He says no, my Fitbit should give me the same tuchus. I disagree. FOOEY!

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• Alan :

  02/27/2014 at 11:13 am
  Please come back to me. I’ve changed.
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want’s to know if I would make our dateing exclusive.

This is perhaps as close as we ever get to a narrative turning point: Ellen actually has a decision to make, and presumably this decision will influence event's henceforth. I don't really get the "out in the cold" logic in the event that another prospect manifests. It would actually be Willem who was shivering, right, because Ellen will have run off with the new chap and HE would be the one left involuntarily single? 

Ellen :

02/20/2014 at 10:19 am

Yay! I love REISS Dresse’s, I would get this dress, Kat execept for the V neck, which give’s Frank a cheep excuse to peek and I am VERY TIRED of him lookeing at my boobie’s.

As for the OP, I did get my dentist, Dr. Vine to give me an IN-OFFICE whitenening treatment that realy helped me b/c for year’s I drank black tea and it stained my teeth. Dr. Vine cleaned all of that up in 1 treatement in office. Yes, my teeth were sensitive for a while, mabye a week, but that went away.

Dr. Vine gave me a followup home treatement, he made a plastic mold of my top and bottom teeth, then I squeeze in some of this Opalescence and let it stay for the eveneing and I take it out, brush my teeth, and go to sleep. The manageing partner says I have teeth like Jenifer Annisten and mabye he is right, but it was worth it. I wished I had the BODY of Jenifer Annisten, b/c if I did, I would SURELEY be MARRIED by now. Yay for the Teeth, but FOOEY b/c I do NOT have her body.

Willem want’s to know if I would make our dateing exclusive. I realy do NOT want to comit to that b/c that leave’s me out of the cold if another guy come’s along. But considering that most guy’s are looser’s, including guy’s like Gonzalo and the manageing partner’s nephew, mabye I do not loose to much. I need to get MARRIED and have children, in that order, so I am getting pressure to do SOMETHING. Mean while, Mason and Lynn are goieing at it hot and heavy. I surely hope he does NOT hurt her. FOOEY on him if he doe’s. Most men do. DOUBEL FOOEY!

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more professioeal hair style now that I am NO longer in my 20′s and cute

Ellen is not just an even 3-0, no way. I actually think she's north of 35 by this time, but am steadily loosing faith that she will ever tell us (or at least not truthfully). Anyway, no short haircut on the horizon. And Dad is takeing his complaint's about her weight to MP--perhaps looking for someone who actually does have some enforcement muscle on her. 

Ellen :

02/13/2014 at 4:05 pm

Hug’s Ashley, you will get the job you want, and my dad say’s that if they don’t give you the job, mabye you dont want to work there anyway. Just say FOOEY and move on!

As for the hair p’ost, I have been thinking for a long time of getting a shorter, more professioeal hair style now that I am NO longer in my 20′s and cute. I still have long straight hair that the manageing partner likes me to wear down, exept in the summer when I can put it up, but alway’s with a schrunchie if I am doing research. Lateley, I have tried to ask him if I can cut my hair shorter b/c it would be easier to manage, but he says NO, my main asset is my blond hair and he does NOT want me to do anything to mess that up, particulearley with the judge, who is crazy over me (why I will never know, but I will go with that.) The manageing partner says that Marisa Meyer of Yahoo got to be CEO and he think’s she looks alot like me, but he likes me even better! I think he say’s that b/c he want’s me to think positive, b/c dad told him my tuchus is way to big.

So the message for me is to see if I should dress and act more like a 30 year old and not like a 20 year old, b/c I am not in college any more. FOOEY!

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I wound up geting a good recomendation

Ellen :

02/12/2014 at 10:04 am

Yay! I love silk blouse’s, even one’s with bow’s, but first let me help the OP. You should go to Pike’s Market downtown b/c they have a lot of thing’s to see, eat and everything else, and most importanteley, they have burley guy’s throweing around whole RAW Salmmon fishes! It is the greatest thing. My dad took me there 3 year’s ago when he was consulteing with Boieng Airplane Company and we had a great time. The guy’s in Pike Market wanted to know where I lived b/c they said I was beautiful! I never got a complement like that right to my face, and that was the SAME day that dad was saying my tuchus was to big!

As for the Blouse, I totaly love silk, and when I was a summer intern in college, I had a blouse like this and a greasy alchoholic guy came up to me and untied the bow on my blouse right on the corner of 23rd and Pennsylvania Avenue! I was mortified! But he did NOT see anything b/c I was weareing a bra. FOOEY on men who do this to us women. It is VERY unprofesional to untie a woman’s blouse on the street. DOUBEL FOOEY!

I told this same story to Benjamin b/c he was askeing about my work expereince in DC and that stand’s out in MY MIND year’s later. You have to be carful when wearing just a blouse in the summer in DC. It is hot out but you do NOT want men pawing at you when you are outside. FOOEY. I wound up geting a good recomendation from the person at the agency, so it helped me get my next internship in the Fall! YAY!!!!!!

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He is swave, makes alot of money

First of all, the issue of Ellen prematurely giving away a relatively new coat that was a gift from her parents just will not go away, will it? I was the first to express my disapproval, and unsurprisingly Dad is upset too. But interestingly, his position on puffy-looking garments is that his daughter is a hopeless case regardless, so she should just keep wearing them. I don't know how many marriage proposals have been drawn with this strategy, but we won't find out with this test case anyway because Ellen donated it: the puff is long gone. 

In other realms needing review, if you're wondering why Ellen can't stop thinking about Sam's nether regions, it's because of the INADVERTEANT flash she got way back in August. No amount of apology for that is enough, it seems, even though Sam is the only male character in our entire story who has ever been cited as remotely attractive. Now he's forthcoming with an offer of marriage (and possible dental)? Dad signed off on this a while ago, so nothing is in the way... 

Ellen :

01/21/2014 at 10:36 am

Yay! Splurge Tuesday’s – what happened to Cat’s splurge Monday’s!! This is a great choice, but I have NO credit until the end of March, and then Dad said that he would consider REOPENING my credit, but it is NOT a done deal. FOOEY! b/c I am a Partner and should be abel to have personal credit!

As for the OP, today is cold and snowey, so I am wearing boot’s and jegging’s and Myrna’s fur coat. Dad will NOT let me spend on a new coat b/c he said I was dumb to give my good coat away. But I told him it was a PUFFEY coat and it made me look fat, especialy in the TUCHUS! He said I did NOT need a coat for that. DOUBEL FOOEY ON HIM FOR MAKEING FUN OF MY TUCHUS, especialy b/c I am useing my FITBIT every day now.

Mom say’s she is bakeing me a Pecan Pie. I LOVE PECAN’s, and buy them by the POUND at Trader’s Joe. I recomend Trader’s Joe for all kind’s of food, b/c it is GOOD and it is NOT that expensive. Alan used to go to Trader Joe and buy me pecan’s but then he would eat them all up. Also, they used to sell a good bean burger that is good in the winter, tho Alan used to heat up the bed at night and that was very stinkey. TRIPEL FOOEY!

Sam came over with Myrna last nite and we watched TV. Sam said he would marry me if I wanted, but I still can NOT get his winkie out of my head. FOOEY! What would the hive do? He is swave, makes alot of money, but is from the UK. I could NOT live in the UK b/c they have bad teeth there. I want to have a good dentist, and I am NOT sure of the dental care there. Is anyone in the HIVE from the UK? How is dental care there? YAY!!!

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NEVER seemed to be an issue until RECENTELEY

I'm sure I don't know either. But is this, as they say, a "thing"? January is National "Your Woman's Butt is Too Big" month? I know we have the ritual holiday weight gain, but is Ellen referring to something more? 

Ellen :

01/09/2014 at 1:26 pm

Kudo’s to you! I do NOT have that many pound’s to lose, but I love the FITBIT! Dad make’s me work out every day and he has put togther a programme that LETS me get my 10,000 step’s EVERY DAY, but if I don’t he says that I will NEVER find a man to marry me (other then guy’s like Gonzalo, who LOVE women with “shelf’s” for tuchuses.

Dad also says he want’s mom to lighten her tuchus, and I don’t understand why. Mom has always had a big tuchus, and that NEVER seemed to be an issue until RECENTELEY. Why now is her tuchus an issue? Does this come up this time of year with other men who look at their wive’s tuchus and say it is to big? How should we deal with guy’s who say our tuchuse’s are to big?

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[Potential Fraud #1]

This (see bottom comment) was the possible Rogue Ellen entrance that I referred to in yesterday's emergency out-of-order post. It seems too easy and too spare to be consistent with the normative Ellen of recent months. Note that I'm avoiding terms like "fake" and "real" because, as we've discussed so often here, they really don't apply. 

Anonymous :

01/08/2014 at 1:16 pm

Seriously? Come on. Some people are overweight. Unhealthily overweight. Meaning…yes, they should lose weight. I know certain terms push people’s buttons, but I frankly think the PC police can do more harm than good in certain situations. Kat is not fat-shaming in this post. She’s talking about clothing for real bodies as they exist in the world.

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• Anonymous :

  01/08/2014 at 1:29 pm
  +1
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• anon :

  01/08/2014 at 1:33 pm
  And there was a kerfuffle yesterday about how plus size is defined. So you just can’t win. Overweight is appropriate.
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• Ellen :

  01/08/2014 at 2:18 pm
  This is ME!!!!! FOOEY!!

  I want a smaller TUCHUS!!!!
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I have absoluteley no afiliation

Ellen knows we are all likely to suspect she's been hired to shill products online. Such a credible voice--who wouldn't want to add her to payroll? Luckily we have this assurance of her integrity and sincerity (which I do not endorse, if you're asking).

Ellen :

01/06/2014 at 12:19 pm

Yay! We are back for another year! Congratulation’s to Cat on another outstanding year!

As for the OP, I have one answer for you. FITBIT FITBIT FITBIT. I have absoluteley no afiliation with that company but my DAD swear’s by it and he make’s me use it EVERY day. I walked in today with my FITBIT and I am near my comitted step count for the day. Dad see’s it at night when I come home to my Macbook Air, so I can NOT fool him. FOOEY! But I need to slim down my tuchus also and dad got a fitbit for he and mom.

I get all the motivation I need by lookeing in the mirror at my tuchus. I need a smaller tuchus to get a better guy (or any guy at this point). YAY!!!!

Now that I am a partner, I got a new chair. They wheeled the other chair away for the new guy to sit in. FOOEY b/c that chair smelles very funny. DOUBEL FOOEY!

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want’s to plane down my tuchus

The year is off to a monotonous start! I do congratulate Mrs. Barshevsky, however, for at least attempting some snark (highlight below). I still say only a divorce will do, but we have to start somewhere. 

Ellen :

01/04/2014 at 8:34 am

Yay! Open thread’s!!!! I love open thread’s! I am out with mom and dad b/c dad told me to get my tuchus out to the house b/f I get back to work. He told me that now that I am a PARTNER, I must dress apropriately, so we are goeing out to Manhaset Mall to pick up a few thing’s for me so that I look right when I come in to the OFFICE on Monday.

I told dad that I have nice clothe’s, but he says that alot of them make me look like a cheap hooker–I know he is wrong b/c they do NOT show much, and the onley thing I can think of is that they are a littel tight on me (mostly b/c I work to stay a size 2, but am NOT alway’s sucessful, like now, when my size 4′s are tight– FOOEY!

Anyway, he want’s mom and me to go with him and HE will pick out a new suit, a few dresse’s, a nice new coat, some boot’s as well as all acessorie’s that the Manageing partner will not reimburse for. Dad says that money is NO object, and he said he is prepared to spend $3000 if it will make me look profesional and not floosy-like. He also say’s I should consider cutteing my hair shorter b/c he has never heard of a blond haired partner with straght hair (right now it is long). I do NOT want to cut my hair — I get alot of complement’s on my hair.

What does the HIVE think? I rarley read about peeople talking about hair style’s (and length), but will listen to the HIVE.

Dad say’s I have to balance my need to look profesional with my desire to get a guy to MARRY me. I do NOT want to look MATRONLY — I am NOT trying to attract a 50 year old bald divorced guy with bad breathe and kid’s my age. DOUBEL FOOEY!

I want a guy my age with a good job and money in the bank who want’s to have BABIE’S soon b/c I want to be a mom while I am still YOUNGish. Grandma Leyeh is still pusheing for kid’s now and Rosa’s kid’s are adorable. Dawn is already making snow angel’s outside. She is SOOOO cute! (I know all kid’s are cute, but she realy is.) I told Rosa she should be in comercial’s, b/c she has no tuchus — Dad says thank god for Ed’s family and that she did not inherit mom’s tuchus. Mom say’s thank god she did not inherit dad’s personality!

As for the OP, yes it is cold, but do NOT sit around and eat. That is how my tuchus got so big since thanksgiving. You must go out and excercise and forget about food. I love to sit and watch TV and eat, but that will NOT get you thin, or get a MAN to marry you. Dad say’s that you can either have a man or a tuchus, but not both. I told him FOOEY!

Dad is already calling out to me to get downstair’s so that we can do 2 miles with the fitbit now. He is serius about excerciseing, and told me he want’s to plane down my tuchus b/f we go shoppeing later. I hope we get good stuff and he does not interfere to much. YAY!!!!!

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[BACK]

Ellen suspected Clem was short for Clementine.

Thank's for somehow manageing to make due without me, reader's! I am back and grateful for your understanding. It seem's that preemptively apologizing to the Sunshine Girls, and acknowledging that they will guilt me anyway, actually worked. Then again, they haven't been the most diligent themselves over the holidays...after accusing me of being, or at least vacationing with, Ellen...

Which is why we may still be missing a few post's. I'll amend where I can, but I think we have a pretty good sense here as to how Ellen's trip to Myrtle Beach went. Not sure why Clem got a name--unless he is going to be heard from again or otherwise re-enter the story down the road? Really the only important notes I have from this merry season are:

1. There was no dude harvest in South Carolina.
2. Sam kissed Ellen on NYE (at a party at Myrna's).
3. Ellen actually is a partner at Manageing & MANAGEING LLP, now, unless in a shocking departure from character she has overlooked or ignored some glaring and unpleasant reality about her actual status as compared with her perception thereof. Or unless MP, again in an utterly startling reversal of the norm, has somehow put one over on his pleasantly plump associate and is benefiting from her blissful ignorance.

I do want to take a moment to acknowledge that #3 above, if actually true, represents the first reader request granted from Poll #3, in which I asked what people wanted to happen in Ellen's life. Recall that the time span on these wishes was not the calendar year, but rather the ELLENWatch year, which ends in March (on this baby's second birthday). So we still have time to put a ring on it and get the F rid of Dad before the real celebration!

Hope you all had a lovely stretch without me, and welcome back!

***UPDATE, 1-6:*** Oooleander has filled in the blanks by supplying additional missed post's below. Thank you, Sunshine! I didn't mean to trick you into takeing over my job/tsk-ing me/praising me, but it worked out very well just the same. The only thing I'd add to the above, upon these additions, is that it does indeed look like Clem got a name because he will be re-entering our storyline at some time in the future. Southern lad comes to New York, I suspect? (He's sleeping on Myrna's floor.) 

an OOOGLEING lawsuit! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is such a great Ellen link. I wonder if shesaw the story because she has a Google alert for "ooogel" or something. Seriously--the word in its correct spelling shows up often enough, but such precision, to find the one story where, in Ellen sisterhood, we've added a few extra Os. 

It doesn't look like Ellen commented on this online articel, but maybe she's written directly to the offending employer to express her anti-ooogleing solidarity. 

You may not hear much out of either me or Ellen over the next week, but I say this is a great note to go out on--even for the year.  

Ellen :

12/20/2013 at 2:31 pm

Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s! (and Friday too!)

As for the OP, Super Hug’s to you. Interviewing is alway’s stresseful, and peeople who are lookeing are alway’s lazy, particulearley around the holiday’s b/c they are busy eating and goeing to parties and all that stuff. Even I have put on 5 pound’s since Thankgsgiveing, and I am sure that ALL of it is in my TUCHUS! FOOEY!

But they will eventually decide and I am hopeing it is YOU b/c you deserve a good 2014!

As for the rest of the hive, I cam across this articel that was VERY interesting about a woman who sued the cop’s for OOOGELEING her driver’s license photo in Minnesota. She sued for alot of money and setteled for $32,000.

http://www.startribune.com/local/west/236425531.html

According to the Paper, “The City Council approved the settlement last week after Paula Kruchowski’s attorney wrote in a notice of claim ­letter — which typically precedes a lawsuit — that she had been “oogled [sic] by scores of men.” As the city attorney’s office liaison to the police domestic assault unit, Kruchowski works in Police Department offices at City Hall.”

If she can stop peeople from OOGELING her, there is hope for the rest of us from beeing OOOGLED! DOUBEL FOOEY!

I think this case is and can be VERY good presedent for us who get OOOGLED by peeople in our own companies! I am printeing out this article to give to BOTH Frank and the Manageing partner, b/c I do NOT like it when Frank is ooogeleing my boobie’s and tuchus. He is MARRIED, and he can OOOGLE her!

So for the HIVE, remember this case and we can make even more money if we bring an OOOGLEING lawsuit! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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sharing some pino noir

Once again I am wishing I could invite myself along to one of Ellen and Myrna's ladies' nights. I'd gladly have stopped at CRUMB'S on my way over! 

Ellen :

12/14/2013 at 9:25 pm

Yay! I love Brooks brothers! And Wildkitten yes that schlepper is way to big. You should get a LIT BAG if you need to have a big bag. I am staying in b/c of the weather and am watcheing STAR TREK! Why is it that I always wind up dateing these Klingeons? I want a captan kirk! FOOEY! Myrna came over and we are sharing some pino noir. It actualy is ok but I must not have to much b/c it winds up on my tuchus! FOOEY! Myrna may stay over b/c of the snow! Yay!!!

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the banana’s and the peache’s

My favorite part of this post is the cautionary words about the heedless and hot Lynn. Remember how Fred misfired by hitting on her last week when he was supposed to be at the office to pick up Ellen? Anyway, our girl is about a decade older and she's concerned about the secretary's singledom. Personally, I'm not worried about Lynn. Not only is she young, but uneducated is a nice, secure, attractive place to be for a gold digger. Focus back on the issue, Ellen: you're not getting any younger OR less profesionel! The Husband 911 call is on nobody but U!

Lower down, a movie recommendation seconded by many. Agreeing with Ellen on some things is less concerning than on others.

Ellen :

12/11/2013 at 5:11 pm

Hug’s to you. You rest up so that the babie’s will be healthy and HAPPY! YAY!!

I am lookeing forward to the day when I will be haveing two babie’s, mabye one at a time tho, b/c I am NOT sure that my body can handel 2 at a time, tho I do have a littel of a POT BELLY, but I think that is b/c I eat to much.

I got a fruit basket from Sam — he want’s to date me still even tho he showed me his winkie, and that was not some thing I wanted to see. There was a lot of fruit in the basket that reminded me of that day and his winkie, and I laughed and told Lynn and Frank they could have the banana’s and the peache’s. So funny! I am leaveing the basket at work so that we can eat some thing OTHER then Crumb’s. My tuchus is so large that I am sureley going to have to start wearing YOGA PANT’S to work, even tho the manageing partner has forbidden us from wearing pant’s.

The janitor stopped by and he wants to go out with Lynn. I am not sure if Lynn want’s that b/c she is used to dealing with lawyer’s and investigator’s but I said why not? He seem’s like a nice guy and he was the one who fixed the toilet that Frank stuffed up so he IS very HANDY!

Lynn said she would think about it, but I am goieng to encourage her b/c she is not getting any younger (at 25 — with onley a high school diploma), and she needs to start haveing babie’s soon, like me. YAY!!!!!

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Ellen :

12/11/2013 at 5:17 pm

I absolutely LOVE the movie “LOVE ACTUALLY” It is the BEST Movie and so Romantic. The guy’s are MEN and the women are pretty and everything is so HAPPY.

And the song’s are so great. My dad even get’s teery eyed with the singing and he is very UNEMOTIONAL. Mom like’s it too. Grandma Leyeh even sing’s the song….Everyone Says I love you….the dog in the kitchen and the kitty too…. the preacher too says I love you. YAY!!!!

Anyone in the HIVE that has NOT seen “LOVE ACTUALLY” should run right out and get the DVD! It is my alltime favorite. YAY!!!!

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• AnonInfinity :

  12/11/2013 at 5:46 pm
  Umm… I agree with Ellen.

  Now I feel so.weird.
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  • Sydney Bristow :

    12/11/2013 at 5:54 pm
    Me too!

    I also love Christmas Vacation and The Holiday.
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  • Senior Attorney :

    12/11/2013 at 6:48 pm
    I SUPER agree with Ellen!! YAY!!

    ;)
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Walnut French Toast with REAL mapel syrupp

Sounds like the upcoming surprize party is going to be about 90% eating. Wonder if Ellen is going to wear her fitbit for the walk from breakfast to limo to lunch? Not much else to add other than I'm surprized she even took Fred's call. Ed must not have had the sitdown with him yet (and yes, I know I'm probably just wishfully dreaming that it's going to happen at all). 

Ellen :

12/11/2013 at 11:50 am

Me too. I love SHEATH DRESSES, especialy those that have littel sleeve’s b/c with sleeve’s, Frank can NOT even try to sneak a peek.

We have a suprize Holiday Party planned for next Tuesday that I forgot to tell the HIVE about. Margie organized it all herself, and all we have to bring is “ourself” she says. The whole firm, including the suport staff get’s the day off and we are all meeting at 9:00 am Saturday @ the manageing partner’s house (fortunateley NOT the one in the Hamton’s) for a holiday breakfast, and after we socialize until noon, Margie has hired 4 limo’s to take all of us to some fancy place for lunch in Manhaset (which is on the North Shore). That is the surprize b/c the manageing partner onley knew about the breakfast. Yay!

The manageing partner is in charge of manageing the catererer’s who are cookeing breakfast for everyone and he already has thenm prepareing thing’s. We all put in order’s for what we like best — I asked for Walnut French Toast with REAL mapel syrupp. I told the manageing partner that I was watching my wastline, and that if I have to have syrupp, I do NOT want cheep, fake syrup like they give out at IHOP. I want the REAL stuff b/c it is better. Margie agreed and it will cost alot, but I said that I bill alot, so everyone agreed.

The lunch place in Manhaset is suposedly very swanky. I do NOT want to eat alot, so I may have a cob salad, or else pasta primevera. My tuchus is already busteing out of my dresses and it is still 2 week’s until Christmas. FOOEY! Then there is new year’s and I think that by then I will be a size 6. Doubel FOOEY!

Fred called again, but I told him please do NOT call me any more. There must be women in Purdey’s that would marry a feed store manager, but I am NOT one of them. I told him I want to be married soon so I want to be fresh and ready in case my prince show’s up and that will NOT hapen if I am hangeing around him or any feed store manager. He said OK, but was disapointed. Who asked him to start grabbeing my boobies? Not me. I did not make any oveture’s toward grabing at his body, so FOOEY on men that get grabbey at us. YAY!!!!

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moo moo’s make it easy for her to get in and out of the toilet

Since Manageing & MANAGEING LLP is relying on its backup toilet until the move (right?) the moo moo's could be even more important. But if Madeline is still using the stumpy remain's of the firm's regular throne I'm concerned that "in and out of the toilet" might be literal. Watch your hems! 

Ellen :

12/10/2013 at 3:01 pm

I agree. It is a good thing that the manageing partner does NOT allow any of us to wear pant’s in the office. Personally, I find the new style’s way to tight in the tuchus, and if I bought a bigger size or had my pant’s ALTERED, then my pant’s would look like Barbra Eden’s in I DREAM OF JEANNIE, but she had a tuchus that could PULL THOSE OFF. I do NOT. FOOEY!

So I thank the manageing partner for insisting on wearing dresses. Madeline especially should never be seen in slack’s because she has a supersized tuchus, and she wears alot of moo moo’s. That work’s for her b/c she does NOT have to go into court. Also, the moo moo’s make it easy for her to get in and out of the toilet without to much dificulty. YAY for her, but FOOEY for the rest of us that have to go in there soon after she use’s it. The manageing partner has promised us that our new place has very well VENTILATED toilets and that will help alot, especialy b/c they are out in the hall rather then right by my office. YAY!

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