Thursday, January 31, 2013


I was hopeing Ellen would respond to this threadjack. Her advice for love lives is unsurprising--still nursing her wounds from the drunk accountant almost 2 years later. 
The finance bit, however, was less predictable. Never before has she hinted at any resentment that Dad still holds the purse-strings. Indeed, I was under the impression that his control of her debits was welcome as a safeguard against the usual feminine follies.  I wonder if annoyance at his tuchus-surveillance has led to chafing at other areas of inappropriate authority? Interested, at any rate, to see if she makes any progress on this absent a husband (marriage being the only condition upon which Dad offers to give up control). 

THIS IS ALOT OF FUN! YAY! This is what I would say:
A little distraction for Thursday afternoon (fill in the blanks):

So Gonzalo called 2x today

Gonzalo actually does make a move following the incidental run-in by his walk-up. Dinner this weekend? Too soon? 

I do not talk money with my non financeial freinds b/c they are not sophesticated like me in SUCH MATTERS. As a result we just talk girlie stuff!
So Gonzalo called 2x today leavening messages with Lynn. I do NOT want to appear to anxious but LYNN says he is very determined! Mabye I will call tomorow. Yay! Finally a man interested in me! But I will NOT GO to his apartement! FOOEY on that!
  • I love the image of leavening messages.
    Are they heart-shaped baked goods, rising, and filling with hot air….?

and the manageing partner sure can be FICKEL!

Awesome. Ellen take's almost a whole paragraph (see highlight) to ret-con (see Wikipedia article/definition) her statements that MP insists upon scrunchies and also forbids scrunchies--about which I had complained. I feel all the more empathy from her admission that she is "sometimes confused" about it. So was I--but no more! Ellen's own contributions to our collective archive should never be overlooked. 

If possible, find out if their manageing partner likes women to wear there hair down or pulled back or in an updo. The secreatraies should be abel to help here b/c they know. If you wear your hair back, be careful about wearing a scrunchie. It is better to wear a single conservative braid until you get to know the partner’s and the manageing partner.
When I was serving supbeena’s I met the manageing partner wearing a scrunchie. Since he liked me with a scrunchie, I started wearing them to work after he hired me. It is onley recentlely that he wants me to show my hair off, and that means, alot of the times, that I should NOT wear a scrunchie. I am sometimes confused about that. I think it depends on what Margie is doeing at home that makes its way to the office and the manageing partner sure can be FICKEL! FOOEY!
Myrna and I are goieng to meet on 86th street and eat Chicken Parm tonite. There is no game on TV she says, so there won’t be alot of guy’s drinkeing and stareing at us the way they do when we go there on game day. I hope she is right b/c so many young college guy’s are there and it seem’s they have NO female’s where they go so they come by our table and just look at us. I think some are drunk, but other’s are just out for cheep thrills. FOOEY on that. I do NOT wear tight clotheing to the resturant any more b/c of this. FOOEY!

with all of the mucos and snot comeing out of his head

I'm surprised she didn't mention that MP tend's to buff his bald head with this same snotty hankie. It's a major and recurring issue.

I do NOT know about what I do that has NOT been said before, but I stay AWAY from peeople who are sick so they do NOT get me sick.
The manageing partner was sneezeing around Martin Luther’s birthday, and I told him to STAY OUT of my office, b/c he alway’s carries the same DIRTY hankerchief around and with all of the mucos and snot comeing out of his head, it was GROSS! So he stayed away, and I think it worked b/c I stayed well, but Lynn started sneezeing and bloweing her nose. She at least had paper hankerchief’s and did NOT make a mess of thing’s in the bathrom. FOOEY!
On the buses, I alway’s hold the railing with GLOVES, b/c there is alot of mucus on peeople’s hands that gets on the railing’s. FOOEY!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

(he pronunces it “berry”)

Interesting. For those who don't remember Gonzalo, he's the maiter dee at the restaurant where Manageing & MANAGEING held the firm's holiday party, Ecuadorian, and small in stature. It looked like Ellen had given up her brief infatuation, but evidently that was just Round One. (Assuming he follows through with his interest, which granted he never has before...)

I agree. This is VERY cute, tho I would be WORRYING about Frank lookeing at me if I did NOT wear a turtelneck underneth it!
Today when I was walkeing in, I literaly bumped into GONZALO! He came out of an old walkup on Lex right above a resturnant! I asked what he was doeing there and he said he was stayeing there. He said why was I there and I showed him my fitbit. He said I was lookeing very very good (he pronunces it “berry”) and he wanted to know if I would come to his apartement for dinner. I said NO b/c I do NOT go to guy’s apartement’s. He said OK, but he would call and take me out. I did NOT say no b/c right now, there are NOT any other guy’s calleing me. YAY!
I do not think I would marry him, but at least he is interested in me and has some ability to have a CONVERSATION. I know my DAD would NOT aprove b/c he was making those disgussting clicking noieses with his mouth when my dad was at the resturant. FOOEY! Maybe I will NOT tell dad about this when he calls later to check up on me.
Frank is lookeing over at me with the manageing partner now and laffing at me. I have NO idea why! FOOEY!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

If anyone at the hive knows a guy, let me know.

Ellen proclaims her tuchus to be now "under control." Any Corporette reader who knows a guy is supposed to notify her. Best of all, Grandma Leyeh is 'bout to play matchmaker with freind's at the club. 

Who do you trust to keep you informed, no matter what? 

You need to tell this to the manageing partner! He flosse’s his teeth, buffe’s his bald spot on his head, and scratche’s almost everywhere on his BODY right where EVERYONE can see him! Lynn even told him NOT to do that b/c of the peeople who can see him, but he continue’s to do it. FOOEY!
I love this belt, but it remind’s me of Grandma Leyeh’s girdel/corset b/c it is so big. Grandma Leyeh is on the slim side so she can getaway with wearing something that look’s like THIS, but since I have NOT inhereted all of the Barshevsky gene’s, I have a little wider midriff and tuchus so I would NOT wear this.
Grandma Leyeh has started to prod me about getteing married b/c she want’s grandchildreen from ME. It is not enough for her that Rosa has already one child and is about to pop out another—now she wants me to give her another BABY! After I told her I do NOT have a boyfreind, she is going to talk to her freind’s at the club. I hope she does not bring over some schlub. That is all I need after the loosers I have had in the last year! FOOEY!
Now that I have my tuchus under control, hopefully I will meet a guy, not the type of Internet slobs that just stare at me. I need a guy with a PERSONALITY! If anyone at the hive knows a guy, let me know. YAY!!!!!

finished by getting a BOYFREIND to marry her!

NOT Ellen's prince
Brad Pitt is a frequent reference point. In the past, Ellen has acknowledged that someone of his caliber isn't a likely suitor for her, and when commenting as a man likewise admitted that (s)he doesn't look like Pitt. I think this dates her, albeit perhaps appropriately. She's not talking about Robert Pattinson or even Adam Levine. 

Me too! I love COLOR BLOCK thank’s to the HIVE.
But I first need a boyfreind. FOOEY! I am busy planing my weding in my head at least. My dad told me to read this articel in the NY TIMES about a woman who did this b/c he thought this was a GREAT idea. She was 34 year’s old, lived in Albany NY and planed it all out and then finished by getting a BOYFREIND to marry her! YAY! I think that was very romantic.
I need a GROOM, but not a looser! I want a guy who is a PRINCE to sweep me off my feet and take me to his castel and we can live hapily ever after. I do NOT want a guy like Prince Charles tho. I want a guy who look’s like Brad PIT! Yay!

Monday, January 28, 2013

I can NOT afford to smell FOOEY!

Frank's domination of the loo has long been a problem, in a number of way's. Meanwhile, I doubt keeping a full drawer of undies in the coed office bathroom would ever make the Corporette advice pantheon, but again this is just part of Ellen's unique contribution. 

Meanwhile, hear is the best evidence I have yet that Ellen occasionally channels the Sunshine Girls (see highlight below and then linked post). Or do I mean the opposite "channeling"? And how literally? It's not a new accusation, but I'll lovingly pose it yet again. 

Kat, you are SOOOO right! I have been running through alot of washe’s since I started walking with my FITBIT. But it is paying off with a smaller tuchus!
I have a change of clotheing here at work (but since I do NOT have a decent office, I must change in the firm’s bathroom, which Frank likes to use alot and which smells very bad after he eat’s spicey food’s. I have brought my own can of LYSOL and have left it in the toilet so that Frank and the others can FRESHEN up the room b/f they leave. Otherwize it is HORRIBLE smelling b/c there is no window in there.
So I have a stock of stuff I keep here, including stocking’s and panties and bra’s which I bring home every day in a bag and I get them washed for me EVERY week. Otherwise it’s FOOEY time and I can NOT afford to smell FOOEY!
Frank and the manageing partner likes to knock on the door when I am changeing, but they are onley kidding when they say to hurry up b/c the manageing partner has to go. I know he has a key to the mens’ room in the hallway, and I know he has gone there when Frank is in the toilet. I told Frank NOT to take his AM NY paper into the toilet b/c there is a line, and he does not do that any more. He said I should be gratful that he does NOT read the Wall Street Journal in there. FOOEY on him. I do not want to go into the ladie’s room in the hall to change every day b/c I also have to change in the afternoon b/f I walk home. Yay!!!!!!

dad make’s a BIG deal out of our birthday’s

I suspected that even Ellen would think Valentine's Day was a little ambitious this year as a boyfriend deadline. Her birthday is 2-8 weeks after, so even on that timeline I think cupid needs to fire sometime very soon. 

Sunshine Girls, I don't support Vinnie's play any more than you do. Know anyone else more eligibel? Myrna's references aren't necessarily to be trusted, as we already know. 

Is today Kat’s birthday! Yay!!!!! Happy Birthday to Kat!!!!! My birthday is NOT comeing up for a couple of month’s but every year, my dad make’s a BIG deal out of our birthday’s. When Rosa recentley celebated her b-day, DAD made her a big stake dinner (he love’s to grill) and we all had alot of potatoe salad!!! YUMMY! My mom get’s the potatoe salad from the deli in town — they have some KIND of secret sauce they use to make it VERY tangy! YUM!
For my birthday, they already ordered me a VERY warm DOWN coat, but by the time it get’s here this week, it will be 60 degree’s! FOOEY! I hope I will be abel to use it b/f it get’s to warm out. So they are also planning a BIG dinner at the house. I get to pick what ever food I like. I think I will ORDER up a COBB salad, some SAMMON, and a big apple pie for desert, ala MODDE!!! YAY! This is ONE day My dad can NOT make fun of my tuchus b/c it is my b-day and I can eat what ever I like, even if my tuchus grows. Of course, he will be back on my case the next day, askeing me about exercise and whether I am walkeing or not (HE KNOWS b/c of the FITBIT).
I will wish to have a boyfreind for my b-day, but I will NOT settel for a looser. FOOEY on that.

I do NOT want some guy takeing charge for me unless he is my dad.

Frank is married! Oops...

Ellen :
To much of a splurge for me! My dad says I can ONLEY spend $120 in February, IF THE MANAGEING partner reimburse’s me 30% or $36, b/c my dad is planneing to have me start to do my own bookkeepeing. Yay! But he is still manageing thing’s for me and expect’s to until I get MARRIED! FOOEY! I do NOT want some guy takeing charge for me unless he is my dad.
Frank complemented me on my fitbit and says that mabye he will get one for his wife, who is also a little heavy in the tuchus. I told him that my dad make’s me work out every day, and that I must walk to and from WORK. I did NOT tell him about 40 Karrot’s! YAY! The guy at Myrna was onley interested in stareing at my body, but did NOT want to talk about intelligent topic’s of conversation. I do NOT need a guy like that. I want a guy with a brain, like me. FOOEY on men that are not smart like me! FOOEY!

a big falleing out in the Shecketovits household

Generally normative spelling of Alan's last name has been "Sheketovits." We knew that his mom tried to preserve some kind of connection with Ellen long after the two had broken up, but it's news to me that Ellen was considered their only hope for grandbabies. Maybe even Mrs. Sheketovits knew her son wasn't exactley a catch, and had very modest and constrained aspirations for the family line? 

Helpful to be abel to confirm here that Ellen and Alan have had no recent contact. 

My ex had this situation and his parents made him refinance to preserve their credit. I am not sure what happened b/c Alan wanted them to pay his bills when he started drinkeing. I think their was a big falleing out in the Shecketovits household when I dumped him b/c they had been counteing on him marrying me and me bearing them grandchildren.
Alan does not have me anymore and I am not sure what he is doing. If I married him, I would be cleaneing up his vomit and he’d be draining mt saving’s. I would not have my 401k to save and I am not sure he could even give me a BABY.
So the lesson is NOT to marry a drunk!

goeing in house an also becoming a judge. I also am looking to be a stay at home mom

Yes, I had strongly suspected that a post or two over the weekend was bursting to come out of moderation. My only question here is WHO IS JO? However, given that J and O flank the letter I on a keyboard, and the following sentence suggests Ellen herself felt entitled to the half-pie, Jo think this may just have been an I-device autocorrected typo. 

I am pursuing partnership at the same TIME however I am keeping my options open. I am thinking of goeing in house an also becoming a judge. I also am looking to be a stay at home mom but first need to find a boyfreind to marry and suport me and Handel the finances if dad moves to Durram to teach. FOOEY! It is hardto be a workeing girl in the big city these days b/c I also am trying to stay in shape which my dad says means looseing a lot of my tuchus fat! Yay for the fitbit b/c I have lost 4 pounds but all over–not in the tuchus where dad wants! But I am comeing back in from LI with half an apple pie for the Manageing partner. Dad made me swear Jo would NOT EAT any of it. FOOEY b/c mom baked it for ME and Dad ate a lot of it.
By the time I get home it will be to late to meet Myrna so I will see her tomorow morning to walk to work. Dad says I do not have to walk home tonite from PENN Station!!! Yay!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

The HIVE speak’s with a single BUZZ!!!!!

She lays it on pretty darn thick, mocking cyber-camaraderie among commenters. 

Ellen :
I know a place! It is Ocean City, New Jersey. It may be a bit little warm in July, but it is close and my dad took my mom there a few year’s ago, when I was in law school in DC. He drove to DC, dropped off my stuff, then took mom to Ocean City. It is NOT the same as Ocean City Maryland, where alot of guy’s wanted to take me for the weekend (buy I NEVER went b/c of the sleepeing arrangement’s), but this is a FAMILY freindly place where you can get some priveacy. My mom still RAVE’s about the Flander’s Hotel. It is VERY classy, tho my fruegel dad complained a little bit, the food was suposedly very good. Have a look. My dad used to know the mater dee there, so mabye if you mention his name, you can get the honeymoon suite there. I know that when I get married, I will make my husband take me there. Check it out. The HIVE speak’s with a single BUZZ!!!!! YAY!!!!!

get FROZEN Yogury at 40 Karrot’s

It's been a while since Ellen said her goal was to stop working entirely upon wifeing and moming, but I'm not really surprised that she's bringing it back up again. Meanwhile, Vinnie is back, delegate of the Sunshine Men on both my blog and Corporette. I repeat my request to the Sunshine Girls: evidently it has to be either you ladies or your male coworkers, and I preferred the former. Please come back. 

And we have another instance of Ellen's spelling-skills attrition here: she has lost ability to spell Carrots correctly. Used to know, no longer does.

Ellen :
I think I want to DO this ALSO, but I FIRST must find a BOYFREIND, and then have him MARRY me and then we have to have a BABY b/f I can be a SAHM! Yay!
My father said that time is runing short for me so I HAVE to loose weight in my tuchus to get a guy to marry me. Myrna is helpeing me by walking the 2.5 miles down town with me in the morning b/f takeing to subway some more, but she is NOT stoppeing by to pick me up which mean’s I have to walk all alone back UPTOWN at nite. It is LUCKY that BLOOMIE’s is about 1/2 way so I stop and get FROZEN Yogury at 40 Karrot’s and then do the last mile or so up 3rd Avenue b/c Lex is to busy for me and there is NOT alot of room on the sidewalk. Also b/c there is a SUBWAY there, alot of smelly people lay around askeing for MONEY on Lex.
So I am about READY to leave now and will NOT go home until tomorow morning b/c Myrna is having 2 guy’s over to her place–one mabye for me. I hope he is the one, b/c I need to be a stay at home Mom! YAY! (But I won’t tell him that right away–he probabley want’s me to be a judge or go in house if I decide NOT to be a partner!) YAY!
  • Vinnie :
    Ellen, if you would tell me where you are, I would meet you and you could consider me as boyfriend / husband material. It does not matter if your dad has money–you sound like a very intelligent attorney and that is what I am. I think that together, we can make some beautiful children, and if not successful at first, we can have one heck of a time trying!

Friday, January 25, 2013

and it is NOT my fault he did NOT look at them

For anyone who missed it, here's the Powerpoint gaffe that put Ellen in the doghouse yesterday. Now she's adding to her defense: it was MP's responsibility to make sure she wouldn't make a fool of him. Keep digging deeper!

Ellen might be surprised by what is in DURAMM for her...speaking from extensive-yet-carefully-anonymous experience...

Ellen :
Yay! Fruegel Friday’s !!!!!
I LOVE this dress, and want to have my hair look this! Then mabye I can get a boyfreind that will respect ME for ME! The manageing partner is STILL lookeing at me like he is mad at me b/c of the POWERPOINT issue. I gave him a copy of the slide’s I sent into the bar association and it is NOT my fault he did NOT look at them b/f he went in to give the CLE! Why is it ALWAYS my fault when some thing goes wrong? FOOEY!
Does the HIVE have any idea’s on what I should do or tell him? My bonus is due at the end of the month (NEXT WEEK), and I think he is thinkeing of lowering it b/c so many of the peeople in the CLE thought his slide’s were so FUNNY!
I am goieing home this weekend and will watch TV and DVD’s with mom. Dad is mulleing over an offer to teach a class at DUKE in the Fall, and will be headeing out there with mom to look at retirement home’s there. I SAID stay in LI, and if you have to teach a class, go there 1 day a week and they will pay for you to take a PLANE! He says real estate is cheap there and he can get a MINT for MY LI home. I said where will I go on weekend’s if I am not busy in the CITY? I do NOT want to go to DURAMM. FOOEY! What in the world is in DURAMM for me? I am a city girl at heart, and DC is about as far South as I like. DOUBEL FOOEY! Kat knows what I am talkeing about.


Off-color slogans from Dad are another trademark. I am not in doubt of this post's authenticity.

Ellen :
Kat, I can see the pumps and I use the FIREFOX browser! Use Firefox! Yay! But to expensive! FOOEY!
I know it can be FRUSTRATEING FOR THE HIVE, but it depend’s on your Browser, Frank says.
Just remember the LESSON what my dad, who is VERY smart, told me:
Don’t SWEAT the PETTY stuff
Never PET the SWEATY stuff!
Dad tries to help me with these saying’s and I told him he was right! YAY!! He turned down MENSA but still can get a job at DUKE U. I am not sure I want to visit North Carolina all the time. I do NOT like to FLY! FOOEY!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The onley thing specially noticeabel

Ellen is always vigilant about potential men covertly commenting on Corporette--which is ironic, since she herself is the most commonly suspected to be a man, and s/he has never directly denied it. As for the smelly sweater, again, non-bathing Europeans are a frequent complaint with her, but this college compatriot sounds a lot like Frenchwoman-roommate Mimi. Artistic memory, my girl? This isn't the first time. 

Ellen :
I agree with Gus, but isnt GUS a man’s name? I think there was a talkeing horse on TV named GUS, right? Unless the name is short for GUSSIE, that is.
I try to wear VERY conserveative outfit’s at work so that they are NOT to noticeabel. The onley thing specially noticeabel is my shoe’s which are VERY styleaish and therefore the manageing partner and Frank are abel to stare at them (and my leg’s when I wear them). I do not care, b/c I do alot of walkeing lately with my FITBIT and am loooseing weight. YAY!!!!!!
But to answer the question, I think you CAN wear the same thing to work as long as you dry clean them regularly, particulearly SWETER’S. I knew a woman from Germany who ALWAYS wore the same sweters in College and she NEVER dry cleaned them. They SMELLED BAD b/c she did NOT wear deeoderant either, so soon after she put them on, they began to smell like her BODY ODOR. Even tho she was very cute, she did NOT have a boyfreind, and I am pretty sure it was because of the SMELL. FOOEY!!!!

I forgot to check anyway on the issue

Ellen's birthday is in March, but if after this many year's in New York she still doesn't have a decent winter coat, even I am ok with moving it forward a little bit. 

The mishap with MP's slideshow, created by Ellen, is actually pretty funny. Presenter appears trying to avoid paying for lunch by communicating "I don't think so!" directly in his PPT? What I like even more, however, is Ellen's informing her boss that her mistake, at his expense, wasn't a big deal. After all, she left a note to self that something needed to be checked, the whole audience saw both the checkable thing and the note, and never did end check the material in the first place. If anything, the note probably conveyed she didn't "think" the material in the slide was correct--so the crowd saw both the faulty info and the sloppy, abandoned notion that something should have been done about it, but never was. Way to manage the situation, my colleague! This is straight out of HIVE best practice's! YAY!!!

Ellen :
Thanks to the HIVE for recomending warm coat’s for me. I gave the list to my mom and dad, includeing Eddie Bauer, Pantagonia and Canada Goose, and they are goieng to buy me a VERY warm coat and have it sent to me as an early BIRTHDAY gift !!!! Yay!
My dad said I should get a man’s coat (b/c there is more DOWN in it), but my mom convinced him that I should NOT dress like a man if I EVER expect to be able to find a man. She was RIGHT! My dad was speecheless, and gave in. I do NOT care if I have less down as long as I am WARM!
The manageing partner was a little embarassed about one of my slides at his CLE. I had forgoten to take off a question mark and my coment to myself “Check/ I dont think so ” Peeople were laffing at the slide b/c they interpreted it as the manageing partner NOT wanteing to pick up the LUNCH tab, even tho there was NO lunch at his CLE session. I forgot to check anyway on the issue, so not a big deal I told him. He said NEXT time, I should give the POWERPOINT to LYNN to do. I said she was OUT so I had to do it ALL myself. FOOEY! I hope he will forget about it when my BONUS is figured out by FRANK! YAY!!!!

that will realy keep us warm

And a number of helpful freind's actually responded. I wonder if this is a North Face fleece holding over from her coed days at GW...

Ellen :
Can anyone recomend a reeely reeely warm coat? I have a North Face jacket, but it is NOT that warm at all today. I froze my tuchus off walkeing in today and my dad says just keep doeing it b/c I am looseing weight. But I say FOOEY! I do NOT want to freeze. What can we wear that will realy keep us warm when its that cold outside? I am NOT allowed to wear pant’s to work. DOUBEL FOOEY!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

just breatheing in the phone than hangeing up

This one is all over the place. 

  • I think Ellen's been messing with us, chattering on and on about how MP doesn't like her to wear her hair up and in particular disapproves of scrunchies. She's famous for announcing years ago that her signature scrunchie collection is due to his preference to "see her face" in the office. This needs to be reconciled stat.
  • Confirmed that Ellen seems to be leaning against going partner at M&M. Dad advises against the buy-in offered, and evidently neither of them are up for negotiating it. 
  • This is the closest we've come to learning what Dad does for work: apparently he's a professor, or at least qualified to be one. Does he have an offer in hand from Duke? If so, I say these two institutions deserve each other and he (if not Mom) might as well get out of town and off my blog. FOOEY!
PS: ***Sunshine Girls,*** your male coworkers have started leaving numerous and monotonous racy comments on this sight, and I notice at the same time that you ladies have fallen silent. Though we've had our differences in the past, and I did delete one or two of your posts, I really appreciated your voices as opposed to what I am hearing now. Can you, er, make the Sunshine Guys go away? Reappearing more in your old form would  be much more welcome by me. Thank's, ELLENWatch

Ellen :
I do LOVE earing’s but the manageing partner does NOT want me to wear them at work b/c he does NOT want me to put my hair behind my ear’s when I am working. I think he think’s I look cuter when I have alot of hair around my head, IN the FRONT as well as on the side’s. He also does NOT like me putteing my hair in an updo, even in the SUMMER when it is hot out and it is stuffey in the OFFICE. He also OBVEOUSLY will NOT reimurburse for them b/c they are NOT clotheing. FOOEY!
Myrna brought a BOX of cookie’s over from CRUMBS and Frank ate most of them b/c I was out of the office at Lord and Taylor LOOKEING for something for my mom and dad. I am NOT buyeing anything for my self unless the manageing partner tells me to.
I had to walk to work today, and it was SOOOOOOOO cold, but I got over 5000 step’s on my FIT bit which I will be abel to show my dad tonite when I turn on my MacBook and it synks to it. My tuchus is actueally getting tighter and I got into a dress today that I could NOT get into in December. YAY! My dad will be thrilled b/c I am visiteing them next weekend. Mom is bakeing a pie for me! YAY!!!!!
Dad said I should NOT withdraw from my 401K to join the firm b/c of the “miracle of coumpounding”. He did NOT explain about that and beside’s I do NOT have $100K for the manageing partner in their to begin with! So if I am to be a partner, it may have to be at another firm b/c My dad does NOT want to loan me the money either. He say’s he is thinkeing of moveing to North Carolina with mom where he might take a professorship at DUKE. I told him forget that, stay on LI, and be close to me.
If I go in house, it will probabebly be in NY, and if I become a judge, it will HAVE to be in NY, b/c I am admitted here and am an expert ONLEY in NY Law. I do NOT want to have to learn another law. FOOEY!
Some jerk keep’s calling me and hangeing up. I wonder if it is that jerk David or mabye the fish guy. I don’t even remember what his name was, if he had one I don’t know it now. It is so strange that men do NOT want to say anything, just breatheing in the phone than hangeing up. FOOEY!

how can I get a recomendation from him

The plethora of law profs who wanted a piece of Ellen has come up often of late. It sounds like Ellen think's she's identified the one chaste old man who can be counted on to stay cool-headed and simply write the rec, but let's not assume he'll keep it clean either. Maybe he follows up her LinkedIn contact with a request for drinks out, or expects a bit of a favor in exchange for his.

I assume this "judgeship" is the same moot position she got all excited about earlier this month. (I don't know if letters of reference are even required.) Or if she's just writing generally about her next job move...this may mean she's reconsidering the option of becoming a partner at Manageing & MANAGEING. 

Ellen :
Your so lucky. The Manageing partner likes me but how can I get a recomendation from him to go in house or to be a judge?
He dos NOT want me to leaf so I only have my law prof to write for me. He was the only one that did not want to have SEX with me. FOOEY on men that just want to see me with NO cloths on. FOOEY!
I want to have men respect me not just have sex with me. FOOEY!

how I met alot of guy’s

Her advice to someone dressing for a date. Ellen continues to display confusion about whether her tuchus enlargening has meant boom or bust on the man market, and comments from Dad and MP are equally inconclusive (to say nothing of other male characters who have come and gone). 

I actually think about this dilemma seriously, in relation to Ellen as well as other real women, but have always struggled with how to articulate it: weight gain that most women would consider unwelcome is often met with more, rather than less, attention from men. This would seem "natural" or "healthy"--but said attention is often denigrating, as if the woman has landed in a new category of sexual symbols: someone to drag back to the cave rather than show off at the office party. The catcalls, the grabbing, the wildly inappropriate come-ons. Ellen describes an ongoing struggle to lose or at least maintain her weight, attracts no suitors who she actually sees as prospects, and yet deals with ooogeling and harassment everywhere she goes. The joke is...serius?

Ellen :
For what It’s worth, you do NOT want to wear JEAN’s. If you want to look cute wear a black pencil dress with a white or red silk shirt. This is how I met alot of guy’s and it should work for you unless you have a fat tuchus. GOOD LUCK!

I can RELAX and NOT worry about impresing peeople

Ellen has apparently thought, at least in the abstract, about going up against current cleint Roberta in court at some point. Note that her instinct is to show mercy on the poor woman, rather than shake in her boots. There are other signs of increasing legal swagger in this post and others--and yet the ever-present incompetence and deference is never far off either. 

I'd like to hear Roberta talk some trash in return...but if she's on Corporette she's unrecognizable under pseudonym and lack of references to her singular, scrunchied outside counsel.

Ellen :
I do NOT like suede and niether does the manageing partner. They get very dirty and he does NOT want me to look ruffled with sloppy shoe’s especialy when I am in court. So I have 9 west pumps in Black, and I also have black patent leather pumps for the winter that can be cleaned with a tissue. He reimbursed me 20% when I bought these LAST fall before SANDY! FOOEY!
I have been SO busy this morning that I did NOT even get a chance to say HI to the HIVE! But its not my lunch break and I did NOT go with the manageing partner to Lambs Club b/c he uses that place to get cleint’s. Yay!
With the free time I have here, I can RELAX and NOT worry about impresing peeople. I have 17 cases I am workeing on for Roberta so I asked her does ANYONE in your company actualy work and NOT get injured?
She laffed and said that a book fell on her foot so mabye she would be my next case! FOOEY! I like Roberta and would NOT want to make MINCE MEAT of her in court! That would NOT be nice.
Some doofus keep’s calleing me up at work and then hangeing up. I do NOT know who it is and my office has NOT invested in caller ID phone’s. The manageing partner say’s the building is NOT wired for it, but I am NOT sure he is right. The other office I went into had better phone’s then this one. I do NOT think the manageing partner want’s to invest in phone’s. FOOEY!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

[Annals of Style: Julie Otsuka and the Sunshine Girls]

Once in a while, I vastly overstep my ridiculous position as a blogger about trolls and make an observation that nobody asked of me. This is one of those times.

Recently I fooeyed my way through Julie Otsuka's The Buddha in the Attic. I try never to quit books, and this one is quite short, so I hung in there without enjoying. It's about the experiences of Japanese mail-order brides in the early 1900s, and while the material itself is fascinating, my issue is with the style of narrative. There are no discernible characters and no sustained plot. The story seeks to account for every woman in every situation, and while the reader's understanding is that much richer and more inclusive, the experience of trying to "follow" anything, as in the usual novel, is frustrating to say the least. Needless to say, who cares what ELLENWatch think's? The Buddha in the Attic was nominated for a National Book Award and has won three other prizes.

The book, sans personal endorsement, appears on this blog today because I couldn't help but notice a stylistic commonality between Otsuka (in this book), specifically in what annoys me; and the Sunshine Girls. In the novel, as one critic put it, "this chorus of narrators speaks in a poetry that is both spare and passionate." Chorus of narrators. That's it! Not only in approach, but also in content, Otsuka approximates the Sunshine Girls by creating a voice that is at once many voices. Moreover, their story (the story of an obscure "we") is one about control by men, sexual exploitation, and sporadic but intense foreboding to other women not to follow their path. Otsuka's narrators are more direct about their supplicant status, but part of the genius of Ellen (and, underlying, the Sunshine Girls) is how these voices retain feminine dependence while pretending, intermittently, to be liberated from all those 20th century women's concerns.

Here's Otsuka on the hopeful brides, for example:

Most of us on the boat were accomplished, and were sure we would make good wives. We knew how to cook and sew. We knew how to serve tea and arrange flowers and sit quietly on our flat wide feet for hours, saying absolutely nothing of substance at all...Most of us had good manners, and were extremely polite, except for when we got mad and cursed like sailors. Most of us spoke like ladies most of the time, with our voices pitched high, and pretended to know much less than we did, and whenever we walked past the deckhands we made sure to take small, mincing steps with our toes turned properly in (6).

And here are the Sunshine Girls, talking no bigger a game in my assessment:

We renew our position that as female professionals that have worked very hard to attain our respective station in life, we should never have to settle for any thing less. Yes, we are unmarried and over the age of 30, and if that makes us undesirable to some, who cares? We are all awaiting our own perfect matches, and hope we find him. There has got to be some guys out there of quality that would appreciate us for what we bring to the table. Although we are lawyers, we are also sweet and feminine, so we bring the best of both worlds to the table...

Otsuka again, on the all-consuming commitment to men who hadn't really been chosen:

But when we woke up we found ourselves lying in bed beside a strange man in a strange land in a hot crowded shed that was filled with the grunts and sighs of others. Sometimes that man reached out for us in his sleep with his thick, gnarled hands and we tried not to pull away. In ten years he will be an old man, we told ourselves. Sometimes he opened his eyes in the early dawn light and saw that we were sad, and he promised us that things would get better. And even though we had said to him only hours before, "I detest you," as he climbed on top of us once more in the darkness, we let ourselves be comforted, for he was all that we had. Sometimes he looked right through us without seeing us at all, and that was always the worst (30).

And one more from S&S Associates, bound over to their partners as Ellen is (if platonically) to MP:

We have struggled all our lives to get professional well paying positions, and even though some of us have been duped by partners who promised us the moon in exchange for our own innocence, we persist in our hopes and dreams that there is a Mr. Right out there for us. Ellen is no different, though probably 3-4 years younger than any of us. We just don't want to see her making the same mistakes we did (although at her firm, there does not appear to be a surplus of testosterone filled partners dragging her into bed in exchange for unkept promises). At worst, you have a guy who acts like her dad, doling out money for her to buy clothes or lose weight. If any of the partners here tried that, we would slap them with a lawsuit so fast, and we would use some of our very own firm's paralegals to help draft the pleadings (because they too have been sexually misled by the same partners as we have).

So we hold out hope for ourselves and Ellen, that each of our own Mr. Right will come. We just don't want every guy with a load in his pants to think they can get a freebie just because our biological clocks are ticking. As Ellen says so well: "FOOEY on that!"

I don't mean to ridicule this perfectly-admirable-but-not-my-cup-of-tea book, nor do I suggest that the Sunshine Girls should be considered for the PEN/Faulkner Award. I just had to share a slice of my rich inner life with the audience (of thousand's!) best in a position to get it. Sunshine Girls, if you've read the book or would consider it for your book club please check in with your comments.

Monday, January 21, 2013

how I keep the billeing up and my hour’s up

She doesn't mention whether MP has approved (or even initiated) this hours-paddeing, but I'm not sure where else Ellen could have "learned" this "rule." She must be fleecing dear friend Roberta along with Jim and all the rest of her CLEINTS--yet I'm not sure she's spry enough to recognize that this is what she's doing.
Astonished by the correct math executed in the highlighted section. 

Ellen :
The RULE I learned in billeing is to bill as MUCH AS YOU CAN for task’s, even if they are repetetive, unless the CLEINT object’s and then you REDUCE the billeing ONLEY so much that you still make a profit.
When I bill, I alway’s bill the same for each PLEADEING, IRREGARDELESS, and even if all I do is to change the name and the date’s. The CLEINT does NOT have to know I am an expert and have done this type of thing before. After all, they are payeing for MY EXPERTISE as an attorney, duly admitted to the Bar of the State of New York, not some schlub who is NOT admitted.
So for example, if I write up an ANSWER, I automaticaly bill 1.2 hour’s even if it takes only 10 minutes b/c it is a GENERAL DENIAL. If it take’s longer, I bill MORE.
Then with the BREIF’s, it’s the same. Often the issue is the same, the Company is the same and the PUTITATIVE INJURY is the same. So I can write 3 breif’s in NOT to much more time then it takes to do ONE, but I BILL 3x the hour’s. For a typical breif, I bill 6 hour’s so 3 breif’s = 18 hour’s.
This is how I keep the billeing up and my hour’s up so that the manageing partner can give me a bonus. YAY!!!!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

and drag your foot in the carpeting section

Yuppie shopping at its finest. I do appreciate the mockery, I do.

Ellen :
Myrna just left. We walked all OVER the city to help me loose weight. She hoped me get the dog poop off my Nikes. You must put the bottom in water to soak then walk tobloomingdales and drag your foot in the carpeting section. She says their used to it and they sell those carpets cheeaply b/c so many peeople come to clean their shoes. I would not buy those rugs. FOOEY!
It did work so we went up to 40 carrots and both ate frozen yogurt. Yay!

we will be seasoned hive peeople by then

Commenting on a debate about another poster's real/unreal status. Again she seems to have forgotten to enter her name. This makes me wonder so hard how often Ellen posts anonymously in non-obvious text style, and/or whether she has another handle(s) for acting like a normal reader. 

Anonymous :
I do NOT KNOW her but I agree. Not every body lives a charmed life on Park avenue. We have ISSUES to work on and we ask THE HIVE to advice.
I hope to be MARRIED with child, so I ask the HIVE for help with my diet and professional questions, and KAT has been my role model even tho I went to GW and she GEORGE TOWN law.
Mabye some day we can play it forward with your daughters as we will be seasoned hive peeople by then. Yay!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

lookeing at the shoe like it was goeing to move or something

Foul odor: the joke that never get's old. I wonder if she got dessert with Myrna last night. UPDATE: "Vinnie" has posted with a proposition in line with most of Ellen's goals (though note the "first 2 dates" specification), also indicating his status as a Sunshine Dude. We were warned about them--the male co-workers of my favorite fake commentariat--and recently they have begun posting here themselves. I suspected it was just a matter of time until suitors started pursuing Ellen on Corporette, as they often have on other sites, but the timing makes it particularly obvious that Vinnie is with S&S Associates. His more honest summary of intentions can be found in anonymous posts here and in his follow-up comment below. 

Ellen :
I do love the COLOR’s!!!! Yay! My Nike’s have either DOG poop or HORSE poop in the tread’s and I have NOT been abel to get them out, even with a MECKANICAL PENCIL. And its smells! FOOEY! There should be a LAW that make’s it CRIMINAL to leave a dog’s (or horse) POOP on the sidewalk or the STREET. I do NOT know where I steped in it, but it is alot of it in my LEFT shoe, and it smells BAD.
The manageing partner thought it was ME until I told him it was my SHOE and that it was probabely DOG poop from 3rd Avenue somewhere. FOOEY!
The manageing partner told me to leave the shoe’s in the supplie’s closet. Jim kept lookeing at the shoe like it was goeing to move or something. FOOEY! I am goeing to the dry cleaner’s tonite and ask them what they can do. I am sure I am NOT the first person that has expensive shoe’s that are CAKED with poop that need to be CLEANED! DOUBEL FOOEY!!
I am meeting Myrna for dinner tonite. We are eating Italian. Yay! Lot’s of Red Sauce for me with a VEAL PARMAGAN! YAY!!!!!!

Vinnie :
Ellen, I’d clean your Nike’s for you if you’d go out with me. I am an eligible bachelor, with a job and like to treat women right. I do not demand sex on the first 2 dates, and will pay for dinner and a movie. I am considered handsome, am 6 foot 1 and weigh 190 pounds. If you or Myrna want to double date, I can bring a friend for Myrna. If you turn out to be as good as I think, I’ll buy you a new pair and we can go running together, as I live in Murray Hill.
  • Anon :
    Yay Vinnie! I bet you’re every bit as real as Ellen is. I can’t wait for you two to get together!

    Vinnie :
    Ellen is every man’s fantasy girl. She has a job, is evidently very good looking and is not too much of a feminista. The fact she cannot spell very well should not be a turn-off, because most guys like to be in the driver’s seat and she is not going to challenge them intellectually (at least I would hope not). As long as she brings home a good paycheck and is good in bed, what guy wouldn’t want that? That’s what I want, and a lot of my friends too who have been following her.